I thought I would take a break while many of you are brainstorming to say a few personal things about my journey.
There are many who know only one or two sides of me. Those who really know me are few and far between. People have many layers and are careful which ones they expose. They guard themselves closely and only allow themselves to open up if they feel comfortable enough to do so. I was born very different. You could say I rode my life in reverse.
As a child, I was opinionated, smart, creative, and lonely. I spent majority of my time around adults which probably led to a very different way of viewing people and the world. I always had a heart for justice. My heart suffered when I saw people being treated unfairly and I did everything I could to protect them. At the time, it was very personal. It was battle that I was willing to take on for someone who couldn’t fight for themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I won the war but not without drawing attention to myself.
I wore my heart on my sleeve and was always open with my emotions. I spent my time in books, music and art. As I grew, I was anxious to be open. To give all of me and express myself freely in hopes that people would see what they had been missing. High School was when I really felt I peaked. I moved to a new place and started a new school.
It didn’t start out easy but I started to notice something. I started to have people come to me. I found friendships where I wasn’t even looking. Fast and lasting ones. It wasn’t until I found love that I started to understand why people held back so much of themselves. Heartbreak changes you. Someone so giving as I am was not made for it. So I shut down. I started retreating from all I am in fear. I became cautious and the walls began to form.
Hope always played a big part in my inner struggle. I discovered that when someone met me on my journey that was willing to knock I would open the door. I vowed that I would open myself up even though I was at risk and vulnerable. This applied to friends and love. Both failed me again and again. The more I experienced it, the more I built up to protect myself. This was a battle to save myself this time, no one was going to save me. No one was going to fight for justice on my behalf.
I had to be my own hero.
Living on my own, I kept small. Only clinging to those I felt I could really shine with. That number was reduced to a tiny handful. Love would break me and I would slowly crawl back only to have it deceive me again. The relationships would get longer and were met with a harder fall. I’d look around and see people starting to get married and start their lives together and I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I wrong to give all of myself? Should I remain inside these walls to find happiness even if they never love me the same way? Should I change things about myself to be noticed? Is there anyone out there like me that can meet me on this level that others don’t seem to understand?
I know how hard I love. I know what I bring to friendships and relationships. It took many years for me to understand that because people only knew how to be guarded they couldn’t appreciate someone like me. I was intimidating. I realized I was special. Uniquely blessed with a superpower that is unmatched. I gave my bleeding heart to God and said enough. Only He can save it now. Only He can mend it. Only He can give me what I need.
I found myself back at the beginning. Transparent and free. No longer innocent and naive to what could destroy me but hopeful that the next will be sent by Him. I had faith that He would protect what was left and renew it for someone worthy of it. With a smile on my face, I will tell you this..
God never fails. He works in mysterious ways. He’s working in all of us and He knows our future. So I’m reveling in His promises and I’m watching all that He is doing. The walls are down and I am giving my all. It’s never too late for hope. Have hope in all you have in store and faith that it is given from above. You’re life is planned and touched by God.
Good things come to those that wait.